My now three-in-one wedding anniversary

 

5th July is a date that will always be significant for me.

On 5th July 2008 I reached the crescendo of 15 months worth of preparations and married my best friend, Gareth David Kingdon. It was a spectacularly fantastical day, with each aspect of it, from the songs sung (children’s songs with actions all adults had to participate in), our first bounce on a bouncy castle,  to the delicious, handpicked, homemade French feast we ate, it oozed our personalities and sense of fun. It really was a day of celebration, that we were embarking upon the mystery of married life together and all the adventures that lay ahead for us (including the hospital ones!) From that day on, somehow, God viewed us as one unit. Two became one, even in the absence of any physical children. It was the most awesome thing I’ve ever done, committing to another person and promising to love them, honour them, support them and cherish them for the rest of our earthly life together. And to have the man I loved promise those same things publicly to me, and to see his delight in calling me his wife. Priceless. And looking forward to what was coming after the wedding day, our honeymoon in Bordeaux and then moving in and setting up home together, as well as all the relatively sleepless nights we were about to have!

We always made a deal out of our wedding anniversary in the years that followed. I always watched our 3 hour wedding video in full, reliving it and remembering the promises we’d made to each other (Ga would get bored and go off and do something else!) Year one saw us embark on a leisurely camping trip around Wales, spending our actual anniversary being kids in Folly Farm. I can’t actually remember the specifics of years 2 and 3. Year 4 was spent lazily looking around the historic Tredegar House and gardens (and discovering a Dr Who Darlek in the stables)! We only stayed an hour or so until we found a craft shop there and Ga excitedly bought many remnants of material to have a go at his first patchwork project (a bag for me). He’d passed his creative bug onto me by then so we spent a happy afternoon in our beautiful living room, him on his sewing machine and me knitting my first cable-stitch bag, whilst listening to jazz music and chatting amicably. We finished the evening with an M & S ‘Two dine for £10’ meal, and a glass of wine.

It was a nice last anniversary together, even though neither of us knew it at the time.

July 5th 2013 was the first wedding anniversary I spent without my husband. We would have been married 5 years. We’d had plans for that milestone, planned since Year 3. We should have gone back to the hotel we’d spent our wedding night in, adding in the luxury and relaxation of spending the day using the spa and swimming pool. We’d saved it specially for Year 5. That milestone of half a decade. Instead? I endured acknowledging that hugely significant day as only a half of what was once ‘one.’ The build up to it was immense, the hill of what I needed to overcome so high I couldn’t see past it to the 6th July. In the end I spent some of it looking though our wedding photos, shedding happy and now new, sad tears. A dear friend very patiently gave up 3 hours of her life to watch our wedding video with me. I made a picnic which me and Ga’s Best Man ate at his graveside, swapping stories about him (mostly lots of laughing and smiling here). It sounds bizarre, but it was a beautiful time, as Ga is buried in a Natural burial ground, we were essentially sitting in his ‘field.’ The effect of the sun shining, birds singing, the sky being bright blue and buttercups and dandelions bursting out of the ground gave such a sense of aliveness, despite the very reason we were there. And then I headed home and spent time alone with Ga’s sewing maching, practicing my own novice attempts at patchwork, making pretty bunting out of Ga’s favourite shirts, with Wimbledon and Andy Murray on in the background. It was a good year to get interested in tennis!

July 5th 2013 was also the date I chose to remove my wedding ring. Having discussed this issue with many widows, there is no right or wrong time to do this, as everyone’s grief journey is different. Many people never taken them off, others wear them for much longer than I did, but no-one can tell anyone else when they should do this is (and if you do, expect a four word expletive said silently to you!) For me, although it was less than four months since Ga died, I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable about wearing mine. It felt like a heavy chain around my neck, a mocking reminder that our marriage was over (’till death do us part’ we promised).  Don’t get me wrong, it was comforting and lovely to see it on my finger and remember what it stood for, but it now stood for something in my past, not my present. And for me personally, I needed to physically remove that symbol of commitment to him, to help me more fully accept and embrace what had happened, and begin to rediscover who I now was without him. I like things to have meaning. But I didn’t know when I would take my wedding ring off. I just knew I wanted to do it at some point soon. And in the end, as with many decisions a widow makes, on a certain day (my wedding anniversary it turned out) I woke up and knew that this was the time to take it off. I wore it all day, but as I got into bed, alone that night, I slipped it off my left hand, and moved my beautifully designed diamand and topaz engaement ring to my right hand instead (that will stay there until my dying day). It felt significant. Five years previously that wedding ring had been placed on my finger, and I began my adventure as Mrs Kingdon, Gareth’s wife. Five years on, as I remembered that life-changing day and the ring came off, I thought of myself on a new adventure. This time without my courageous, funny, smiling man (whose currently having a much better adventure in Jesus’ presence in heaven). I had the honour and privilege of wearing it for 5 whole years. It was the right time to take it off.

And now, it’s almost July 5th 2014. Six years since I got married. The second wedding anniversary marked without my husband to celebrate it with. A year since I wore the universal symbol of marriage. My 6:2:1 anniversary. It’s funny how I now have new associations with this date, starting with the run up to Wimbledon. I’ll always think fondly of Andy Murray and how he unknowingly helped me get through last year! I haven’t watched any Wimbledon this year mind. To be honest, in many ways there hasn’t been a build up to the day. Sometimes it feels like a non-event, as how do you celebrate something when one of the people directly involved in the achievement isn’t there to celebrate with you? I think I will remember and honour the fact we WERE married, and it was a GOOD marriage for it’s 4 and 3/4 years. I will always remember and be grateful for it. For Ga. But I don’t really feel like celebrating. I may visit Ga’s field on Saturday. I may get the sewing machine out and work on our patchwork quilt. I may watch our wedding video, but I may not. I’m toying with the idea of with a friend, getting my wedding dress out of the attic and trying it on again… and thinking about whether or not to give it away. The association with it is now bittersweet. I’m definately going to a good friend’s birthday party and celebrating life with them though.